God's Plan (and no I'm not talking about the rap song)

God's Plan is wild.

God's Plan is scary.

God's Plan is exciting.

God's Plan is perfect.

God's Plan brought me to UNI in Fall 2017.

God's Plan brought me through the difficult times of Fall 2017.

God's Plan gave me another family through my UNI friends.

God's Plan brought me to Riverside Bible Camp.

God changed me in the best ways possible at camp.

God revealed brokenness and sin in my life that I didn't realize I even had and/or ignored.

God gave me confidence in Him and in the person He made me to be.

God gave me another family through my camp friends.

God taught me SO much.

God helped me actually understand the amazingness that is the Holy Spirit.

the Holy Spirit spoke to me. A lot. Which is one of the most rad thing in the land.

the Holy Spirit worked and moved in and through so many campers.

the Holy Spirit worked and moved in and through me.

the Holy Spirit is continually working and moving in and through me.

this leads us to now.

God's Plan for me is a lot more obvious now.

He is speaking to me. i must listen.

He is leading me. i must follow.

He is sending me. i must go.



i lean not on my understanding

my life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven

i give it all to You God, trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me

i will climb this mountain with my hands wide open

there's nothing i hold onto 

- Nothing I Hold Onto by Will Reagan & United Pursuit

Oh God

*If you want an interactive experience, please feel free to listen to Oh God by Citizens and Saints on repeat while reading this blog post.

Sunday mornings have easily become some of my favorite moments while I am at college.

Everything seems to slow down for me.

Sometimes I wake up early.

Sometimes I sleep in a bit.

The main point is that I am rarely ever in a rush on Sunday mornings.

This specific morning I woke up somewhat early. I got ready at a normal pace because I knew I didn't need to book it through the negative degree weather across campus to a class. It was quiet. I am not going to lie, quiet moments are quite rare in my dorm hall. I am always confused but also equally as grateful for these quiet moments.

The dining hall isn't packed on Sunday mornings. There is no hustle and bustle. The most noticeable noises during these mornings aren't the loud conversations of the students, it's the loud crashes and clangs in the kitchen.

These mornings are my perfect opportunities to have some chill time with God.

As I continued my journey through John this morning, I played my go to "praising Jesus" playlist on Spotify.

And a very important song to me came on.

It was Oh God by Citizens and Saints.

This song, straight up, THREW me into a flashback.

A flashback to a few months ago at the start of the semester.

It was a rough time for me.

I had never felt more alone in my life.

Aaron was amazing, and would always hang out with me when I knew it was getting too hard. My parents were amazing and listened to me, talked to me, and prayed for me when it was getting too hard. My high school leaders read my texts late at night when the enemy was hitting me the hardest. My friends back home still listened to my dumb jokes and read my stupid memes, even though it was through texts. My new group got me out of my dorm and out of my headspace.

But, I still felt SO alone.

BUT

God

oh God

During these really REALLY hard times. God was ALWAYS there. God was near me. 

The song, Oh God, was on repeat for me literally 24/7.
I needed a constant reminder that God was with me.
That I wasn't alone.
It helped me survive the day.
It helped to remind me to lean into Him.



NOW

Flash forward!

I feel the exact opposite of alone.

My small group and friends have become my family.

They listen and laugh to my dumb jokes, and I listen and laugh to their dumb jokes! :D

As I listen to this song, now, I couldn't be more grateful for how God has helped me through this really rough time. I couldn't be more grateful for a ministry and peers that pushes me to better myself and closer to God. I couldn't be more grateful for my friends and family that God has put in my life. I couldn't be more grateful.

Oh God
You never leave my side
Your love 
will stand firm through all my life

Last 180 Thoughts

As I sit here on by bed after my last 180 ever (Yes, I know there are 180 events strewn throughout the summer, but I'm trying to create dramatic effect here) I have a lot of thoughts. A lot of thoughts about how good this church has been to me. A lot of thoughts about how good the people have been to me.

The Incredibles is playing on my TV right now. I have my noise cancelling headphones on with my "Beautiful Songs" playlist blasting, because I LOVE FEELINGS!!! My bible, that I had just received tonight from the church, that held the letters written from my leaders and Duey are on my bedside table next to me. The letters already read through multiple times in just the few hours they have been in my possession.

I almost immediately started to think of the caption I could write for my new Instagram post, after I read through my letters. I knew that I personally had to acknowledge that fact that I, indeed, am done with 180. As if most people didn't already know that. But, as I was running possible captions through my head, I came up with a realization. The amount of time, emotional, and even physical investment that the people in this church have given me, deserved more than a Instagram post. It honestly probably deserves more than a blog post. Hopefully this could suffice for now.

So, this is basically a huge thank you letter.

I'd first like to thank my parents for providing the best foundation I could ever ask for. Thank you for showing me and teaching me how to be a godly woman and just a good person in general. Thank you letting me be able to figure certain things on my own, and letting me make my own (good and kind of bad ;D) decisions along the way. Thank you for being the way you guys are. Mom, if you are crying, it's okay (cue Aaron dramatically looking to see if you are crying).

Thank you Aaron. Thank you for being an amazing example for your little sister. Thank you for talking about how you loved the Rock so much when I was a kiddo. Thank you for making me want to go to youth group, because my "cool older brother did!" Thank you for showing me how important youth group is. Thank you for being a great pal. I'm just going to pre-thank you for being there for me when I go off the college as a nervous/excited freshman, because I assume you will.

Thank you to all of my middle school leaders I had. I thank you for your patience. In hindsight, I realize that my group was tough at times. Middle schoolers are tough in general, but I know we really pushed it a lot of the time :D. I couldn't thank you guys enough for the absolute blast we got to have, and how guys showed us how to follow Christ. You guys really helped me open my mind to what the church, religion, and being a Christian can mean. You guys changed the way I viewed church. Heck, you guys made me actually like church. I can't express how much you guys helped me in those three years. Thank you, Macoroni, for eating scalding hot Ramen noodles with me at 1 in the morning in that room in the Hidden Acres Inn, just because I wanted to talk to you about the stuff happening in my life. Thank you, Jen, for being the person I could talk and joke about anything with, and being a huge role model in my life. Also, thank you for not getting too mad at me when I pantsed you in the dining hall at Winter Blast. Thank you, Tina, for being the motherly leader that would hug me even though I wouldn't let anyone touch me. Thank you to all of the leaders I got to have throughout middle school. You guys have forever impacted me.

Now, the high school leaders. Regina, thank you for being there as we were making the transition from middle school to high school.  I'm still so grateful for the few years I got to have you as a leader. Tina, thank you for your humor. Oh my goodness, God bless your humor. You are truly the funniest person I have ever met in my entire life. Your quotes will leave me laughing forever. Thank you for introducing Tripoly into my life. The best game in history will live on in my life thanks to you. I can't wait to start my underground "not gambling" Tripoly club off at UNI. Now, Angela. Words almost can't do justice. My second mother. Thank you for loving me even when I was acting like a fool. Thank you for loving me when I would ignore your texts. Thank you for loving me when I wouldn't make eye contact with you, because I knew you could see right through me. Thank you for seeing right through me. Thank you for loving me as if I was your actual daughter. Thank you for being so honest with me. Thank you for being so easy to joke around with. Thank you for opening your home for the March Madness extravaganzas. Thank you for trying to protect me from your dog when I would get nervous. Thank you for knowing me so well. Thank you for not strangling me when I filled our room at Fall Retreat with all of the items I "borrowed" from the camp. Thank you for constantly sharing God's word and knowledge to me. Thank you for being my middle school girls' future leader. I wouldn't want them to have any other leader. I can't wait for you to love those girls the way you have loved me.

This church has been my second home. Thank you Duey and Jeremy for being amazing youth pastor's for me. This church's impact on my life will live in me forever. I have been blessed to have such absolutely amazing people from this church in my life that have led me and helped shaped me into the person I am today. I couldn't talk about everyone that has affected me from this church, because...well...I didn't really want to write a whole book. Thank you Rock. Thank you 180. Thank you ICC. Thank you.

*stay tuned for my other emotional leader blog post most likely coming Wednesday after the last Rock

So What REALLY Happened at Camp?

This summer has been the busiest summer I have ever had. Before the official last day of school I was off to Ohio. A couple weeks later I was driving to Florida, and before I knew it I was in a van with 6 of my soon to be 7th graders to head up to my favorite place in the world: Silver Birch Ranch.

I barely even had time to get excited/nervous about it, before we were actually on the road on Saturday.

But in all actuality I was nervous about it. The week before I was VERY nervous about it. But I was also VERY excited. I was so excited for my girls to finally experience it. To actually be at the place we have told them multiple stories about. To be at the place where I have always been able to feel extremely close to God.

By the time we were in the van all of my nerves dispersed and I just wanted to be there.

We eventually got to camp. The first couple days were hard for me. The girls were trying to get used to the schedule and I was trying to get used to being a leader at camp. If I didn't have my good friend, Sam, as a co-leader it would've been so much harder. One of the staff at Silver Birch asked me and Sam to meet up and pray over our cabin, which turned out to be super encouraging for me who still wasn't used to pretty much anything. It was still pretty hectic. Having 16 girls in a cabin that is only supposed to hold 12 gets pretty cramped (Not gonna lie, even if it was cramped, it was SO fun in that cabin).

Sunday was extremely hard for me. I wasn't quite used to having to have my leader mode always "on". In the first leader's meeting they told us to have our personal time with God. Sunday I didn't make a time to, and that's one of the things that made Sunday so hard. I didn't spend time with God and get a reality check that this week wasn't about me or my needs.

Luckily that night all of the girls from our church had a fire where we talked and sang, and it was just really beautiful.

Monday morning I made sure to wake up early and have my time alone with God. It turns out that morning there was a huge storm and so everything was wet and it was still sprinkling. If you guys don't know I absolutely love rain, so this was one of the biggest blessings. I turned on my worship playlist, journaled, and prayed. Of course all of the songs that played were the ones that would speak to me the most and were exactly what I needed to hear.

Monday night was the all famous Salvation night. The night where the campers have the choice to accept Christ or rededicate their life to Christ. All of the counselors stood in front of the stage and the campers could come up to their counselor where they would grab two rocks where they write their name and the date, to remember this moment. And the counselors would talk to the campers and pray with them. There was also the option to sing and worship at the same time.

Sam and I were standing up at the front and worshiping when one of our girls came up. The first round was for people who were accepting Christ for the first time. I took her to the rocks and she grabbed two and then we went to the side. I started to pray over her and she started to cry, which obviously led me to wrap her up in a hug and cry as well. We stood there for a few more seconds and noticed that multiple people from our cabin were coming up to the front. It came to the point where it would be impossible for me and Sam to talk one on one with all of them. Almost half of our group came up, so we all had our arms around each other in a huddle and Sam was praying over each one of them. Everyone was in tears.

It came to the second round, where the campers could rededicate their lives to Christ. Then one by one more people from our cabin came up and joined the huddle. It came to a point where every single person in our cabin was in the huddle in tears and giving Christ their life.

This was without a doubt the coolest thing I have experienced in my life.

By the time the chapel ended our group was still giving everyone a personal hug. I started watching some of the girls hugging each other and noticed that some of them were even praying for each other. That was such an encouraging thing to see as a leader. Not only did these girls just give Christ their life, they are immediately putting it to use by encouraging each other.

The tears kept rolling throughout canteen time, and then we had cabin discussion before bed. During this time we sat in a circle and all had a piece of notebook paper. We passed the notebook paper around the group and every one would write something they thought God was telling them to write for that specific person. We wanted it to be a quiet time so we played some music and wanted everyone to hear what God was telling them. There was a point where Love Came Down by Bethel Church came on, and every single one of our girls started singing to it. This was one of the songs our worship band played so the girls were pretty used to it and knew the words. The fact that every single one of them started singing along was so beautiful. Without instruction or even caring about the quiet moment, they started worshiping God. The chorus of the song was so important to what this night meant for these girls.

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out remind my soul 
That I am Yours I am forever Yours

This was only the second full day!

The next day I shared about the night in the Leader's Meeting and got emotional because it was such an intense moment for me to witness and be apart of.

The next day was a normal day of camp. Plenty of fun times and memories. Great worship and the girls loving their seminars they went to.

That night at chapel the speaker, T.J., taught the campers how to respond to giving Christ their life. He taught them how to pray and study the bible effectively. He showed them a cool step by step way to study the bible, and our girls seemed to really understand and use it.

Jump to the next chapel session the following day. One of our girls came up to me saying she had used what T.J. showed them on some bible verses she picked out in her free time. That was super cool. This girl didn't make it to church all of the time and I hadn't gotten that close to her until this week at Silver Birch. That night T.J. had taught about Peter denying Jesus 3 times. (No matter how many times I've heard the same stories about Peter it always gets me and affects me. It never gets old, and I never want to stop hearing these stories)

After T.J. spoke, the worship started and I noticed the same girl who came up to me before chapel was sitting down staring at the ground. She wasn't responding to any of the girls asking if she was "Okay". So I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything. She nodded and we left the chapel and took a walk. It was dark and we were walking through the wooded cabin areas. She told me through her tears how she just couldn't understand how people treated Jesus the way they did when he was alive. She felt so much pain for all of the pain Jesus went through. She started to talk about how one of the verses she studied was when Jesus was on the cross and he cried out to God.

Matthew 27:46 "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"

Reading about Jesus' pain brought this sixth grade girl to tears. Man, that was intense.

We went back to the chapel to sing a couple more songs before the worship was over and we would be released. This night was campfire night. The thing about campfire night, that I've experienced, is that it could go one of a few ways (or multiple) All of which are good, and all of which I have experience.

It could either be:

1. Goofy and just a way to have fun with your cabin
2. A bit serious but just skims the surface 
3. A time to ask important questions
4. When campers talk about the real and serious things happening in their life

At the start while Sam was getting the s'more items and juice. I let the girls have their goofy time. There was plenty of sticks being caught on fire and plenty of laughs (and plenty of fart jokes). After the girls devoured their s'mores. Sam started the campfire discussions off with the option to ask questions. The cool thing about it was they weren't asking cheesy questions. They were asking serious questions. Some really hard hitting and hard to answer questions. Some of the questions me and Sam honestly couldn't answer.

We then moved it to a time to get things off their chest about what they were feeling, which then led to if they wanted to talk about their struggles or things happening in their life. 

For all the years I have gone to Silver Birch in middle school, the only time my small group had actually gotten serious and talked about real stuff with each other was our eighth grade year at campfire night.

These sixth grade girls trusted each other and us leaders enough to talk about the real things. 

The things that seem too hard. 

 The things they need help in. 

The things that flood their thoughts. 

The night ended with our cabin laying their hands on a girl and us just crying and praying for her, and then our arms around each other around the fire singing, yet again, Love Came Down. 

If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear your voice

I'll hold on to what is true though I cannot see 

If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep 

I will lift these hands in faith 

I will believe

The leaders had "One on Ones" with the girls throughout the week which let us get to talk to them personally about God and just get to know them. It was cool to get to know them a little more and just get to talk to them one on one.

By the end of the week everything seemed unreal. The girls had experienced God in a crazy big way, that I have never seen before. God was so present this week in our group, that it seemed impossible to not be changed. 

I had even changed in a big way. 

Before that week, it seemed like my mind was "too busy" to pray on a regular basis. That week it came so normally and it was pretty vital for my sanity. Now it's so easy for me to pray all the time, which is such a good change for me. How could I even have a good relationship with God, if I only talked to him every so often? Not only was it vital for my sanity at camp, but it was also vital for my life, and relationship with God.

I learned to ask God for help, for even the smallest of things. It's always been hard for me to ask for help. Not even just with God. This week I asked God for help so many times.

I will always look back on this trip.

We eventually left camp and went back to life back in Iowa. 

There was a solid 5 days where I got time to rest before round 2 at Silver Birch. I was itching to come back.

I knew the high school trip was going to be very different from the middle school trip. I was actually expecting it to be different. I just wasn't expecting exactly how it was going to be different. 

Round Two 

Eventually Wednesday came and I was off to camp once again.

The church van had some problems so we had to stay in a gas station/rest area place for about two hours, because we had to find a way to get a third of us students to camp. A very gracious church in the area, offered to drive us the rest of the three hours to camp in their red bus.

Having a whole seat to myself with plenty of windows to look out of and the wind blowing throughout the bus equaled a great ride for moi.

We showed up to camp late when the rest of the camp was already eating dinner. We walked into the dining hall and everyone was already sitting down and it was full of noise. 

It was terrifying and intimidating for me and I later found out, for most of the people in my cabin.

The schedule was already very different the minute we got their and we had places to be before we even got our stuff into our cabin.

It was not the most comfortable start of the week for me.

The next couple of days I got used to the schedule and became more comfortable. 

There was still something different that I couldn't really figure out.

It took me awhile to realize what was so different, and then it hit me during campfire night. This campfire night wasn't like the middle school one. It was more of a goofy one with some, kind of, serious questions. 

One of the things our leaders asked us to say was a good thing a bad thing and what we didn't understand about the week. 

When I started thinking about what I wanted to say as my answers it immediately hit me what was so different. 

The middle school camp was so full of Jesus. Literally everything that happened that week was covered in Jesus. You could actually feel Jesus in everything.

The high school trip it was so incredibly hard for me to feel Jesus there. And that sucked for me. Silver Birch had always been a place for me to meet with Jesus easily and effortlessly.

This week it wasn't easy. I had to really TRY and meet Jesus. And Satan made it extremely hard for me. With an injury, impatience, a different schedule, not being able to actually focus during sermons, and a stupid Switch Card. 

One night the speaker spoke about Peter walking on the water with Jesus and of course it spoke to me. Because, obviously, it's Peter.

Luckily the worship this week really resonated with me. The worship was when I truly met with God. During one of the last days the lead singer started to talk in between one of the songs. The words she spoke really hit me hard. They were something I hadn't heard in a long time. She talked about how we weren't our sins, struggles, or addictions. That those weren't the things that defined us. It was something I've heard before but in that moment it felt so easy to believe. It brought me to tears.

That was the most important thing that happened that week for me. 

P.S. I'm still a little salty that we didn't win Cleanest Cabin either weeks. Even with our great money bribes for high school, and a mercy rule with 16 girls for middle school. Oh well.....

2 years

I didn't know him. I wouldn't have known his name if he walked by. That doesn't matter now.

I remember coming home to the news. I was confused but I cried anyways. That one night of crying led to weeks, months, and years. The one night that led to a lifetime of hatred towards drugs. The one night that I will never forget nor get over. The one night at camp where I cried under the starry night just because I thought about him. I didn't know him.

Every time I hear Marvelous Light I praise and think of him. "Death has lost it's sting"  I didn't know him.

I can't tell people memories about him, but I can tell them how he effected me. I couldn't pick his face out of a crowd, but I can get emotional every time I see a picture of him. I could be mad, but I'll be thankful for how many lives he has and will save. But, I didn't know him.

Yesterday was two years since he has died. Two years of grieving. Two years of crying. Two years of worshiping. Two years of trusting. I didn't know him.

I didn't know him. He didn't know me. We didn't know each other. We never talked.

I didn't know David Rozga, but I can't wait to meet him.